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The Shawnee News-Star
One of my old answering machine messages
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By Phillip Capshaw
June 26, 2013 12:01 a.m.



The following is somewhat of a recreation of one of the answering machine messages that I did in the 1990’s. This was inspired by the antics of the Chief of Police at the time, and his predecessor of a small town in close proximity to Ardmore. This town will remain anonymous because I was threatened with an R.D. Mercer type of retribution back then and I’m sure the natives of this fine community won’t find it any more amusing today. If memory serves me right and it usually doesn’t, the acting chief was in some hot water for some improprieties that happened when he pulled a couple of young ladies over that were suspected of drunk driving and his predecessor was under investigation for some suspected arson.

 

This must be spoken in Southern Oklanese  (a strong country twang).:

 

“Hi, You’ve reached the _________ City Hall we ain’t in right now.  If you’d leave your name and number and we’ll git back with ya as soon as we can. Oh, by the way in case any of you are applying for Po leese Chief, Here is just a few of the qualifications: Applicants must be able to set a good fire without leaving a trace. We would prefer applicants not to possess more than a high school education or GED (this way you don’t have any uppity ideas)  Must be able to drive a car, talk on the radio, have a fast draw and shoot reasonably well while inebriated. Past experience in bullying will be given priority. Should have mediocre communication skills and relatively short temper in order to irritate both media and general public alike.  Prior history of having been involved in a criminal investigation would be a plus. Would prefer someone with strong family ties who would give them preferential treatment or not arrest them when they break the law. The City of _________ is and equal opportunity employer, but some of you might as well not waste your time.  

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