I recently read an article that the Tooth Fairy’s average for a tooth is now at $3.70 per tooth! Since I don’t have children of that age, I decided to ask my research assistants Billy Bob and Bubba to ask some of their friends what the going rate is around in this area. Since I didn’t want to know how many Marlboros or Coors Lights a tooth was worth from their typical friends, I had to delicately ask the duo if they had any friends that were from a higher income bracket. They sheepishly admitted that they had one “uppity” friend and they would ask him. In this case I perceive uppity to mean you have finished high school and perhaps even survived a year or two of college. The names may have been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty. Between the two of them, this is word for word as best as I can make out from their handwriting which is akin to shorthand. They were very excited as this was their first journalistic endeavor. We shall call him John and here is his account:   “Heaven forbid we should scare little Johnny or Sally by having them receive only a buck for their tooth while their buddy at school, Kevin Dupont Vanlandinham III, who lives in the exclusive gated edition gets $20 for his.  We could just tell them the tooth fairy doesn’t live at our house anymore. Some critics would say that is too harsh. Okay, maybe that is a bad idea. This could be an excellent ‘teachable’ moment for them. We could tell them that the tooth fairy at our house is still reeling from the bad advice that we got from Kevin Dupont Vanlandinham Jr. who happens to be dad and the tooth fairy’s  financial advisor. When the economy tanked in 2008-2009, he assured us that we should stay in the market. I found out later he got rid of most of his stock. Do I sound bitter? Well, heck no. It’s only retirement and that is seventy years away at this point. In the wise words of Alfred E. Neuman, ‘What, me worry?’ This may be a good time to teach little Johnny some basic physics like how much force does it take to throw an egg over the fence and hit Mr. Vanlandinham’s house from the street? We could think of a monetary reward system such as a dollar for every direct hit on the house! Come to think of it we could do fractions as well. If we hit the Vanlandingham’s house four out of twelve times with eggs, what fraction or percentage is this? I never was a good one in the math department, but this is some real life learning experience we could teach our kids.  How many minutes does it take for the security company or the police to get to this location? How many days allowance does it take to pay for Daddy’s bail? This could be a great creative learning experience for little Johnny.

At this point I quit reading as I get a little nervous in courtrooms and I didn’t want to be sitting on a witness stand. My wife disagrees, but I think it may just be easier to tell your children the Tooth Fairy died!